KEEP YOUR EYES ON THE SPIES
Alias
Perky Sydney Bristow (Jennifer Garner) has all the usual grad student problems: studying for a big exam, finding time for her fiancé, and—oh, yeah—breaking into a Taiwan embassy. See, li’l Sydney is a black-ops agent for a hush-hush CIA unit; when she breaks her vow of secrecy, her world goes to shit. If you’ve ever wanted to see Felicity tortured by a sadistic dentist (and who hasn’t?), this surprisingly gritty spy opera is for you. Quote, unquote: “Stop talking about the Agency. You killed the man I love.” The mix: 1/3 Dark Angel, 1/3 Felicity, 1/3 La Femme Nikita (ABC, Sunday, 9 P.M.)

UC: Undercover
Remember when it took only one lone-wolf cop to leave a bad guy bleeding in the dust? These days it takes an entire unit of highly trained specialists (including Homicide’s Jon Seda) just to get within spitting distance of a paranoid thug. It also requires a fat budget, delivering high-tech hardware and Heat-like street shootouts. Quote, unquote: “Next time you ask me to kill a man, you’d better be serious.” The mix: 1/2 Donnie Brasco, 1/2 Miami Vice (NBC, Sunday, 10 P.M.)

24
Take a seat and gulp a shot of something strong: There’s an original idea on TV this year. Over the course of 24 episodes—each devoted to one hour of one single day—Kiefer Sutherland and his CIA counterterrorism unit must thwart the assassination of a presidential candidate. Double agents, sexy villains, and a missing daughter ratchet up the tension and make this the most addictive new drama of the year. Quote, unquote: “You’re lying.” “Yes, I am. But you’re still gonna have to trust me.” The mix: 1/2 In the Line of Fire, 1/2 Traffic (Fox, Tuesday, 9 P.M.)

The Agency
Let’s hope America’s enemies tune in to this drama about the inner workings of the CIA. Reason: It’s tough to blow up a skyscraper when you’re being lulled to sleep by endless shots of nondescript spies (Ally McBeal’s Gil Bellows?) yakking on cell phones. Having trouble distinguishing all the new CIA dramas? This is the one that’s as exciting as a plot to overthrow your local utilities board. Quote, unquote: “Every day we’re not in the news is a day we’ve won.” The mix: 1/2 Clear and Present Danger, 1/2 Seconal overdose (CBS, Thursday, 10 P.M.)

YOU CAN HAVE OUR REMOTE WHEN YOU
PRY IT FROM OUR COLD, DEAD FINGERS
Enterprise
Call it Star Trek: Episode One. The sci-fi franchise’s fifth incarnation is warping back 150 years before Kirk chased alien strange across the cosmos. At the helm is Scott Bakula and the obligatory multicultural crew, including Jolene Blalock as the curviest Vulcan ever to squeeze into a skintight uniform. Though the network hasn’t beamed down a pilot, we are oddly prepared to be assimilated. The mix: 1/2 Star Trek, 1/2 Voyager (UPN, Wednesday, 8 P.M.)

Undeclared
Remember those dorks from the critically acclaimed (translation: quickly canceled) high school comedy Freaks and Geeks? A few of their kind lived to attend college…where they’re still lovable dweebs looking to get laid. Skinny Steven wants to transform himself into a dorm god—if only his dad will stop showing up every time a keg is tapped. Quote, unquote: “I could stay up till 11 now.” “And I could pierce anything I want.” The mix: 1/2 Freaks and Geeks, 1/2 Animal House (Fox, Tuesday, 8:30 P.M.)

Inside Schwartz
Finally, some testosterone is injected into the “Must Color-Coordinate” Thursday comedy lineup. Breckin Meyer stars as an aspiring sports announcer who gets daydream relationship advice from the likes of Dick Butkus. His sappy pining over his free-agent girlfriend should be ejected, but the instant replays and Telestrator dating diagrams make this the season’s funniest new comedy. Quote, unquote: “It’s been four weeks since Schwartz was dumped by Eve Morrison. In other words, no more ill freaky na-na.” The mix: 1/2 Friends, 1/2 SportsCenter (NBC, Thursday, 8:30 P.M.)

IT’S A WOMAN THING… AND WE
DON’T WANT TO UNDERSTAND
Reba
Country music star Reba McEntire plays a feisty single mom (is there any other kind?) who gets even feistier when her husband knocks up his dental hygienist and a high school jock knocks up her 17-year-old daughter. The Texas-based sitcom’s biggest surprise? The set isn’t a double-wide trailer. Quote, unquote: “When you see her at the Wal-Mart, just point and say, ‘There’s the woman who stole my daddy.’” The mix: 1/3 Grace Under Fire, 1/3 The Jerry Springer Show, 1/3 Hee Haw (WB, Friday, 9 P.M.)

Philly
Everyone says they hate lawyers. Then they watch “I am attorney, hear me roar” crap like Family Law, forcing ABC to slap on its own estrogen-soaked courtroom melodrama. NYPD Blue’s Kim Delaney is the predictably harried, incorruptible defender of justice raising a son amid a sea of leering judges. Quote, unquote: “What did you tell Patrick?” “I told him Mommy’s in jail for talking back.” The mix: 1/3 Judging Amy, 1/3 The Practice, 1/3 your girlfriend babbling endlessly about her damn day (ABC, Tuesday, 10 P.M.)

Maybe I’m Adopted
If we were 15-year-old girls, we’d probably think this straining-to-be-wacky sitcom about a blossoming teen mortified by her soccer- fanatic dad (Fred Willard), freakily frugal mom (Julia Sweeney), and Christian-rocking brother is better than Carson Daly and a pony all rolled into one. But, alas, nature conspired against us. Quote, unquote: “The best way to catch a man is to show him you have good budgeting skills.” The mix: 1/2 Malcolm in the Middle, 1/2 that “Luann” comic strip (WB, Friday, 8:30 P.M.)

ON TV, YOU CAN GO HOME AGAIN
Citizen Baines
When a powerful U.S. senator (James Cromwell, that codger who trained a talking pig in Babe) returns home to Seattle after losing a reelection bid, he trades battling lobbyists for wrangling his three neurotic daughters. Bet he regrets voting against doctor-assisted suicide now. Quote, unquote: “I guess it will be a good thing for you when you go back to D.C. and don’t have to deal with my sordid little life.” The mix: 1/3 The West Wing, 1/3 Hanging Up, 1/3 a Bob Dole Viagra commercial (CBS, Saturday, 9 P.M.)

Crossing Jordan
What’s a nice girl like Jill Hennessy doing in a morgue like this? Slicing open stiffs and siphoning some heat off hit C.S.I., of course. The Law & Order–babe-turned-medical-examiner is easier on the eyes than Quincy, even if the subplot about her mom’s murder feels as fresh as a corpse on a desert highway. Quote, unquote: “I cut up dead people for a living. It’s a great way to manage your anger, man.” The mix: 2/3 C.S.I., 1/3 Profiler (NBC, Monday, 10 P.M.)

The Ellen Show
After losing her dot-com job (and her ABC sitcom), lesbian poster gal Ellen DeGeneres hightails it back to her small hometown, where presumably her old pals will be an easier mark for her rambling, digressive schtick. Some say all the gay jokes won’t fly on conservative CBS…to which we say, “Oh, Heche up!” Quote, unquote: “My business collapsed.” “Thank your lucky stars you weren’t there at the time.” The mix: 1/2 Ellen, 1/4 Normal, Ohio, 1/4 Ed (if he were, you know, a lesbian) (CBS, Friday, 8 P.M.)

RIP OUT OUR EYEBALLS OR WATCH THESE
SHOWS? HOLD ON, WE’RE THINKING…
Emeril
Recipe for sitcom disaster: Take one annoying celebrity chef who can’t act his way out of a soufflé. Whip up a behind-the-scenes look at his cooking show. Ladle on sassy assistants who turn this mess into the Fat Housewife Empowerment Half-Hour. Bam! Emeril kicking it up a notch? Nope. That’s us unloading a shotgun at the TV. Quote, unquote: “You can’t say I shirk my manly duties. That happens to be my other specialty besides cooking.” The mix: 1/2 Emeril Live, 1/2 indigestion (NBC, Tuesday, 8 P.M.)

Raising Dad
Last year the Family Friendly Forum brought us Gilmore Girls. Now this shadowy organization extends its sphere of influence with a warm, fuzzy sitcom in which Bob Saget pulls single-dad duty to raise two girls, one of whom is a student in the high school where he teaches. Heed our warning: This is like the Germans in ’39 all over again—if we don’t strike now, it’ll just be harder to stop them later. Quote, unquote: “He can’t stay out of my life. I think he wants to be my friend. Weird.” The mix: 1/2 Full House, 1/2 Popular (WB, Friday, 9:30 P.M.)

Men, Women & Dogs
Four fellas use man’s best friend to attract girls at the local dog park. Good thing they have the mutts, ’cause they aren’t going to score chicks with their crappy jokes. Somebody neuter this puppy. Quote, unquote: “You get a woman to break her rules about dessert and there are no rules left.” The mix: 1/2 The Secret Lives of Men, 1/2 Rin Tin Tin (WB, Sunday, 8:30 P.M.)

REALITY BITES… HARD
The Amazing Race
It’s a mad, mad, mad…Survivor ripoff. Eleven teams, each comprising two people with preexisting relationships, race across the globe by bus, train, boat, and camel for 40 days to collect $1 million. Along the way they compete in challenges to eliminate weaker teams. We’re rooting for Puffy and J. Lo. The mix: 1/3 Survivor, 1/3 Road Rules, 1/3 your wife yelling at you to pull over for directions (CBS, Wednesday, 9 P.M.)

Elimidate Deluxe
It sounds like the name of a new constipation medicine…but it’s more bowel-wrenching than that. One lucky guy or gal goes on a date with four potential love connections, breaking their hearts one by one until left alone with Mr. or Mrs. Nothing Better to Do but Embarrass Myself on National Television. The mix: 1/2 The Dating Game, 1/2 Chains of Love, only without the S&M stuff. (WB, Thursday, 8:30 P.M.)

Lost in the U.S.A.
Teams with recreational vehicles and no cash crisscross the country and compete in 48-hour scavenger hunt missions. In a stunning display of originality, the weakest-link team is voted out each week. Is there a chance of Nielsen-boosting hanky-panky? Well, if the RV is rockin’, don’t bother knockin’. The mix: 1/2 Road Rules, 1/2 48 Hours (WB, Sunday, 7 P.M.)

WEIRD, BUT NOT IN A BAD WAY
Wolf Lake
The residents of a rural mountain community are disappearing under mysterious circumstances. Yo, Sherlocks, could it have something to do with that pack of wolves living in human form among you? Wildlife agent Lou Diamond Phillips and sheriff Tim Matheson bait this howler with plenty of cheese, but the big budget will keep you from chewing off your remote hand. Quote, unquote: “Interesting coincidence, you showing up just when the wolves come into town.” The mix: 1/2 Twin Peaks, 1/2 Animal Planet (CBS, Wednesday, 10 P.M.)

Smallville
Teenager Clark Kent can run faster than a speeding school bus and leap over his bumfuck burg in a single bound. But this being a WB joint, all the nascent Superman really wants is to be accepted by the cool kids at school and to take Lana Lang to the big dance. This well-done guilty pleasure’s big-budget effects even make up for the weenie-rock soundtrack. Quote, unquote: “Your real parents weren’t exactly from around here.” The mix: 1/3 Roswell, 1/3 Lois & Clark, 1/3 Popular (WB, Tuesday, 9 P.M.)

The Tick
Patrick Warburton (Seinfeld’s Puddy) stars as blockheaded parasite of justice the Tick, who, along with sidekicks Arthur, Bat Manuel, and Captain Liberty, battles supervillains, damages municipal property, and sends up the superhero genre in this off-kilter live-action comedy. The Superfriends may not be planning their evening around it, but we are. Quote, unquote: “Here ya go, weary traveler. One steaming hot cup of justice.” The mix: 1/2 Mystery Men, 1/2 Mad magazine (Fox, Thursday, 8:30 P.M.)

WELL, AT LEAST NETWORK TV IS FREE…
Off Centre
TV’s 734th Odd Couple ripoff goes like this: Mike is a neurotic nonprofit worker with a steady gal who shares a penthouse with Euan, a decadent Brit investment banker. The fact that Euan nails a different babe every night is supposed to convince us he’s not gay, despite his name and smarmy Adam Ant accent. Quote, unquote: “In enlightened European cultures, love triangles are an accepted part of life.” “Yeah, and so is gonorrhea.” The mix: 1/2 Men Behaving Badly, 1/2 Sex and the City (WB, Sunday, 9:30 P.M.)

Scrubs
We think those ER docs spend too much time saving lives and not enough time tickling our funny bones. That’s why this comedy about clueless interns is a breath of fresh anesthesia, dosing up the Hippocratic oath with fantasy sequences and occasional supply-closet breast exams. Quote, unquote: “Write this down, newbie. If you push around a stiff, nobody will ask you to do anything.” The mix: 1/2 ER, 1/2 Young Doctors in Love (NBC, Tuesday, 9:30 P.M.)

Law & Order: Criminal Intent
Networks used to rip off other networks’ series. NBC, however, is continuing the innovation of ripping off its own shows with yet another Law & Order. This time we get the perspective of the cops and the criminals. Ooh, we can hardly wait for Law & Order: Innocent Bystander. The mix: It doesn’t take Columbo to figure out the influences. (NBC, Sunday, 9 P.M.)

American Wreck
Didn’t Daniel Stern already have his midlife crisis in City Slickers? Guess he didn’t get it out of his system, ’cause now he’s a single dad trying to raise two teens, save his beloved neighborhood rec center, and behave like a somewhat responsible adult. Be afraid. Be very afraid. Quote, unquote: “You don’t do budgets and ballet on your birthday. Lemon cheesecake! Lemon cheesecake!” The mix: 1/2 Grounded for Life, 1/2 thirtysomething (CBS, Friday, 8:30 P.M.)

The Guardian
A corporate lawyer works off his coke conviction at a dingy child advocacy office (what—no cappuccino?). Surprise—representing sad-eyed tykes awakens his inner single mom faster than you can say, “I believe the children are our future.” Quote, unquote: “My world is expensive. I’m not saying it’s any better.” The mix: 1/2 Family Law, 1/2 The Practice (CBS, Tuesday, 9 P.M.)

Bob Patterson
Rumor has it that Michael Richards had his very own series last year, though we can’t seem to find a non-invalid who actually saw it. Next up in the bored-Seinfeld-alum sweepstakes is Jason Alexander, starring as a famous motivational guru whose off-camera life is actually a chaotic, George Costanza–style mess. Which is a good thing if you think about it, since dinner with über-goober Anthony Robbins probably ain’t packed with belly laughs. Quote, unquote: “The only thing standing between you and your goals is you…and your goals.” The mix: 1/3 Seinfeld, 1/3 Just Shoot Me, 1/3 late-night infomercial for a miracle baldness cure. (ABC, Tuesday, 9 P.M.)

The Bernie Mac Show
They say it takes a village to raise a child. Yeah, but it’s funnier when a foul-mouthed stand-up comic takes in three kids from the projects after his sister checks herself into rehab and proceeds to set a new world record for a visit by social services. Quote, unquote: “I’m going to bust your head till the white meat shows.” The mix: 1/3 The Original Kings of Comedy, 1/3 Married…With Children, 1/3 “Mister Robinson’s Neighborhood” (Fox, Wednesday, 9:30 P.M.)

Thieves
Personally, we don’t think John Stamos could steal a can of hair spray from Wal-Mart without getting busted, but he does manage to fire off a few good wisecracks in this stylish, fast-paced spin on the cat burglar genre. A master thief, he’s bullied by the FBI to work with a sexy, impetuous partner (Melissa George) to retrieve stolen government goods. C’mon, wasn’t stealing Rebecca Romijn bad enough? Quote, unquote: “I want $50,000 in cash and a cold beer. Now.” The mix: 1/2 Moonlighting, 1/2 Entrapment (ABC, Friday, 9 P.M.)

The Education of Max Bickford
The ever-nasal Richard Dreyfuss is an Ivy League professor whose midlife crisis puts him at odds with his lazy students, tweedy coworkers, and Courtney Love–alike daughter. Which goes to show where that fancy book learnin’ will get ya. Quote, unquote: “I’m thinking of adding a new seminar to my course list: Dead White Guys. Why They Still Matter, Dammit.” The mix: 1/2 Mr. Holland’s Opus, 1/2 a lower-tier John Updike novel (CBS, Sunday, 8 P.M.)

MOST LIKELY TO BE CANCELED BEFORE
THE FIRST COMMERCIAL BREAK
The Dad
You know that theory about a million monkeys typing for a million years eventually writing War and Peace? Well, it’d probably take ’em 17 minutes to crank out this drivel. Jim Belushi on TV seems like a good idea. But did he have to get stuck with another Joe Sixpack–with-a-wife-and-brats sitcom? And if so, couldn’t it offer at least one laugh? Quote, unquote: “It’s a scientific fact. I read it in Playboy.” The mix: 1/2 Home Improvement, 1/2 Everybody Loves Raymond (ABC, Wednesday, 8:30 P.M.)

Pasadena
Why do prime-time soaps depict filthy-rich families? Because you can hide more skeletons in a walk-in closet. This melodrama has all the requisite conventions (overbearing patriarch, rebellious scion), plus Diane Keaton as director. So that explains the narrator’s beret fixation. Quote, unquote: “Just because someone’s rich doesn’t mean they’re morally corrupt.” “Whatever gets you through the night, princess.” The mix: 1/2 Titans, 1/2 Dallas Dynasty Falcon Landing (Fox, Friday, 9 P.M.)