By David Kronke
Television Writer

Same old, same old
We've all had a good laugh at the networks' cheap and cheesy embracing of reality television. (We kid because we love too much!) But we've also had a glimpse at some of the scripted stuff the networks are developing. And after perusing some of this material, we think you'll agree: Bring on the writers' and actors' strikes.
     The following are actual series concepts being developed by the network brain trusts for fall 2001. Since the very real possibility exists that the impending strikes may prevent us from seeing these shows this fall, and since we can't bear to think of not being able to criticize them, we hereby provide—months in advance, perhaps even as a pre-emptive strike—our reviews of potential fall series.
     Many of these shows represent ideas which, in our darker moments, we can only try to imagine writers pitching to network executives—ostensibly fully sentient adults, all—and consequently being greeted with anything approaching enthusiasm. (Many, obviously, will never make it to the small screen, unless "Failed Pilot Playhouse" becomes a network series—or a cable network.)
     If it turns out we've been unduly mean to these series, we'll apologize when they debut next fall. Or whenever, if ever.
     Here's an overview of what the networks are tinkering with for your eventual approval:
• "West Wing" rip-offs: Aaron Sorkin won a ton of Emmys and huge ratings with his spinoff of his own film script for "The American President." Which means lesser lights are ready to spin off politically themed material for their own fun and profit.
     No fewer than two series take place in the Supreme Court—ABC's "The Bench" and CBS' "First Monday"—which has to be considered unfortunate timing, considering the high court's low esteem in the public's mind after shoehorning itself into last year's presidential election. Can't wait to see what watered-down Coke-can jokes network Standards and Practices will allow.
     The CIA gets equal time, with "The Agency," basically a jazzier, more violent (and the government is decrying violent entertainment!) "The F.B.I." Speaking of which, CBS' "C.S.I." knockoff (at least in the unfamiliar initials department), "H.R.T." ("Hostage Rescue Team"), focuses on an elite group of feds. "Emma Brody" concerns the U.S. Embassy in England.
     CBS' "The Second Act" concerns an unseated senator (James Cromwell) who returns home—or, in John Ashcroft's case, becomes Attorney General. Then there's "Thieves," starring John Stamos as a guy who helps the government retrieve missing goods from its citizenry; its original, less commercial title was no doubt "I.R.S."
     Given the kind of hapless government the networks have conjured up, no wonder Fox had to create "24," in which a team of agents attempts to prevent an assassination each and every week.
• When in doubt, add lame superpowers: If your characters aren't intrinsically interesting enough, granting them the arbitrary ability to emit burning flatulence when presented with a derivative script makes them just interesting enough for the networks to bite.
     In ABC's "Alias," "Felicity" becomes one of "Charlie's Angels"—it's about a college student who moonlights as a spy. Which explains her term papers on defusing bombs and overthrowing Karachay-Cherkessia. "Ball and Chain" is about a husband and wife on the brink of divorce who discover they have super powers, but only if they remain together—honestly, if kids can't keep a couple together, would eyeball-laser beams?
     "Smallville" is essentially the syndicated series "Superboy" retitled—it's Superman as a teen (we're guessing since it's on the WB, Lana Lang would be well advised to wear lead underwear). UPN's "Mystery Men" is a perfect metaphor for the network—it's about people with useless talents who band together to achieve nothing much.
     UPN also manages, naturally, the dumbest of this genre: "Supermodels" are models by day, superheroes by night—they no doubt wear the same flimsy lingerie in both jobs—and they still manage to keep their hair looking fabulous.
• You loved—or, at least, liked (OK, considered seeing)—the movie: We've already dismissed "Mystery Men," which couldn't get anyone to see it with a really cool film cast, which portends ill for any TV incarnation.
     CBS' "The Education of Max Bickford" is a variation on "Mr. Holland's Opus," with Richard Dreyfuss as a college professor who rededicates his life to his pupils—if he doesn't sing John Lennon's "Beautiful Boy," it's already an improvement on the film. "Deep" sounds anything but—it's about young agents, recalling the upcoming flick "Spy Kids." "The Dead Zone" is based on the Stephen King thriller about a guy who can see someone's future just by touching him—these showrunners didn't have to touch the filmmakers, just look at the anemic box-office results, to see ill fortunes portending for themselves.
     And then there are the variations on "Erin Brockovich," which had it not starred Julia Roberts would've been a TV movie in the first place. "Peta Wilson Project" (NBC) stars the actress—who previously essayed the film character "Le Femme Nikita"—in handy TV form, as an Erin Brockovich type; she's already been cribbed by "Kate Brasher," which inspired the premise of CBS' "Community Center," about a newly separated father who takes a job helping the helpless. Which suggests that what Americans need relief from most are blandly earnest melodramas about dullard do-gooders helping the downtrodden created by people in the country's highest tax bracket.
• Dot-comatose: Trust the networks to embrace high-tech themes just as dot-goners (Web-site employees who got the ax) proliferate more than Internet IPOs.
     ABC's "The Silicon Follies" and "Untitled Charles Randolph Project" both concern Internet companies that likely will have folded by the time the shows reach the air. "Nathan's Choice" (Fox) will let viewers decide the outcomes of episodes via Internet—shouldn't it then be called "Viewers' Choice"?
• Proof that the education system's broken: Sure, the WB had all-high-school-and-college-kids-all-the-time, but then David E. Kelley's "Boston Public" proved that school stories could draw more than niche audiences. So naturally, everyone's jumping on the bandwagon.
     We've already mentioned "Alias" and "The Education of Max Bickford." Fox's "American Soap" is set, inevitably, at a college, as is the network's "Close to Home," about a young woman whose impulsive marriage results in a wacky cook joining her at school.
     With "Undeclared" (Fox), Judd Apatow tries to prove that the high quality of "Freaks and Geeks" wasn't just a fluke. "Ruling Class" is another Fox high school comedy, while UPN's "The Campus" is set at Berkeley, which in the '60s would have protested enterprises such as UPN.
• Same old same old: You saw it before. Maybe you have short-term memory. Or maybe you didn't see it before, but it's so obvious, it seems familiar.
     ABC's "Untitled Chris McQuarrie Project" sounds very much like the very previously titled show "Vengeance Unlimited"—both are about Michael Madsen getting revenge, then recruiting the chumps he got vengeance for to help him make things right for other chumps. The network's "Metropolis," about a random assortment of 20-something buddies, recalls "Cold Feet," "First Years" and "Wasteland" but is based on a British series—that was no doubt inspired by "Cold Feet," "First Years" and "Wasteland."
     "Hudson County" and "Ball and Chain," both about crime-fighting couples, echo "Hart to Hart" and "MacGruder and Loud." "Untitled Mike Epps Project" (Fox) sounds inspired by the network's "Titus," a comedy situated at an auto-detailing business but probably cost $99 to spray-paint over the entire concept.
     "Baby Bob" (CBS), about a talking baby, sounds like a knockoff of "Look Who's Talking" (already the subject of a sitcom misfire titled "Baby Talk"), but really, it's even worse—it's based on a series of TV commercials. "Ellen" (CBS), starring Ellen DeGeneres, borrows the premise that served the quickly canceled "Normal, Ohio" so well: a gay person returns to her hometown.
     We've seen big families on TV with "7th Heaven" and "Eight Is Enough"; well, "Being Brewster" manages seven kids, while the WB's "Murphy's Dozen" goes for the TV record. (After that, look for "Timmy's 20," "Freddy's 40" and "Wilt the Stilt's 20,000.")
     "Seven Roses" (CBS), about an eccentric family running a New England inn, cribs from both "Newhart" and "The Gilmore Girls." "Tikiville," about a single mom and her teen son, likewise echoes "Gilmore Girls" and "Kate Brasher." The "Paul Reiser Project," about divorcees sniffing around one another, sounds like "Mad About You" crossed with "Once & Again."
     Likewise Fox's "Bev," about a divorced woman, her kids and her community. NBC's "Earth Angels" sounds a lot like "G vs. E"—angels in human form battle evil and protect humanity on Earth. Speaking of angels, UPN's "Jen-X," in which a young woman copes with "cybernetic enhancements," sounds like a low-rent "Dark Angel." And "Female Coroner," about a no-nonsense coroner who solves crimes with her dad, is completely different from "Quincy" and/or "Elliott Queen"—because the protagonist is a woman!
     Though it's been a while since "Frank's Place" established the gold standard for series set in restaurants, there are three upcoming chef shows: "Close to Home" and "In the Weeds" (both Fox) and "Emeril" on NBC. They'll all bite.
     And even though prime-time soap operas failed miserably this past season, soap will still get in your eyes in the future: Fox has "Pasadena," "Darren Star Project" and "American Soap," while UPN will uncork the "Hype Williams Project." You'll want to wash these shows right out of your life.
• Stuck on themselves: Hollywood loves programs about the media, even if viewers not on the coasts won't watch—"Action," anybody? "Welcome to New York?" "Grosse Pointe?" But that doesn't mean showrunners won't keep trying—that way, at least, they don't have to do any pesky research into other people's lifestyles.
     Hence, we have "Man in the Kitchen," starring Jeffrey Tambor—who starred in the all-time great mediacentric series, "The Larry Sanders Show"—as a Food Channel host, and "Me and My Needs," starring Nicole Sullivan as a neurotic TV producer, both at ABC. The aforementioned "Pasadena" likewise concerns a media giant.
     Then there are shows about entertainers forced into other lines of work, which might serve as metaphors for the creators of "Forever Young" (Fox), about an actor who becomes a cop, and ABC's "Untitled Pam Brady Project," concerning an aspiring stunt man who becomes a grade-school teacher.
     NBC has the perhaps-presciently titled "What Are You Thinking?" about a comedy writer; "Last Dance," about a celeb (not like Liz Taylor at all) who falls for a blue-collar worker in rehab (OK, maybe it is like Liz Taylor, after all); the "Sisqo Project" about an overnight star; and the "Untitled Julia Louis-Dreyfus Project" about a lounge singer.
     Fox has "Greg the Bunny," about a children's show, and "Liquid Soap," a soap-opera parody that'll no doubt iron out all the wrinkles that prevented the actually amusing "Grosse Pointe" from garnering huge audiences. It also has "Untitled L.A. Project," in which Gen X-ers swap wild Hollywood yarns. The WB has "Young Person's Guide to Becoming a Rock Star," about an ascendant grunge band, and "Clark Brothers," about a country-music act.
• Just plain stupid: These shows aren't derivative (upon further reflection, maybe they are), but just really numbskulled.
     NBC couldn't get "Dog Days," about a talking dog, to work with a female human protagonist, so we're sure changing the biped to a guy will result in comic gold for ABC. "When I Grow Up" is about a woman who, after her husband leaves her, decides to investigate other rotten marriages by trying to coax other husbands to be unfaithful, a subplot that seems equally misogynist and anti-male and drew shrugs in the recent miniseries "A Girl Thing."
     Fox's "The Tranny" excises Fran Drescher from "The Nanny" and replaces her with RuPaul, playing a transvestite baby sitter—wouldn't a more interesting sitcom look at kids raised by RuPaul as adults?